How Do You Listen to a Sexual Assault Victim?

How do you listen to non-violent sexual assault?

I always blissfully thought of myself as a woman who had not experienced sexual assault in her life. Until one afternoon, I started having flashbacks of an event which had been so intensely humiliating that I had managed to completely repress the memory for three years. A man had been sexual with my body without my consent, not through physical force, but by stealth and deception.

Since then I’ve been painfully confronted with how my community applies credibility measures to sexual assault; the extent to which an assault is thought to be provoked and resisted. I partly envy women who were violently assaulted by a stranger jumping out of the bushes. There is no doubt as to who is responsible, and it is easy to give nothing but full support to the victim.

I foolishly trusted a person who later turned out to be untrustworthy, and I paid dearly for it. I was often met with skepticism, judgment and a certain distancing, at a time when I was in desperate need of support by my friends. The assault itself was traumatic, but coming out with my story, was even worse.

Why I’m writing this:

I hope to explain the confusion and the shame that often keeps a victim from talking about a non-violent sexual assault or, as in my case, to repress it completely. I hope that after reading this, you may be better able to give support, in case one day a friend of yours tells you a similar story.

I hope to raise awareness about how we assign responsibility for ensuring that sex is consensual. Specifically, I want to show how the non-violent perpetrator uses our moral code “no means no” to justify being sexual with a person’s body without their consent.

Also, I want to help prevent this from happening to other women in my community. The perpetrator walks in my social circles and, if you are reading this, it is likely he walks in yours as well. If after reading this you decide you want to know the name of the perpetrator to protect yourself or your friends,

What happened:

After partying all night at a Halloween party in San Rafael, I walked to my car, alone. A man, whom I had talked with earlier that night showed up beside me. At the party this man had been very friendly and respectful. I assumed he was walking to his car, but it turned out he walked with me to my car. It was a long walk with friendly chatter, I didn’t notice that he never asked whether I wanted to be escorted to my car. I felt very comfortable with him, and he won my trust.

When we got to my car, he offered to give me a back-massage and said that he could do this while standing up. Feeling fully my post-party exhaustion, I accepted. He gave me a wonderful back massage.

Suddenly, without any indication of what was about to happen, he pushed his finger in my vagina, and I found myself in the midst of a sexual situation. Part of my Halloween costume that year was hotpants and no panties. He entered me through the leg of my hotpants. It was easy for him to push aside the one inch of fabric separating my vagina from the outside world and before I knew it, I was penetrated.

He did not inquire in any way whether I wanted him to move from massaging me, to being sexual with me, let alone penetrate me. No unbuttoning of my belt, no pulling down of a zipper, no placing of his hand on my thighs and no approach to my crotch. I never had a chance to say “Yes,” therefore I also never had a chance to say “No.”

Fear and humiliation:

When I all of a sudden felt his finger in my vagina, I felt a huge explosive pang go off in my head. I was dazed and in shock. The explosion in my head was accompanied by a great sense of loss. I had lost autonomy over my most private part; somebody was bulldozering himself into a part of me that I have so many tender emotions about. In my life, I have had many different kinds of feelings about being penetrated, but never utter surprise and horrified shock. The shock and the sense of loss were immediately followed by me going into an instinctual coping mode.

My survival instinct told me that I needed to cut my losses and prevent worse from happening by getting out of the situation as fast and smoothly as possible. This man had just proven to be capable of completely taking me by surprise and taking liberties with my body without any interest for my feelings. I did not want to find out what might come next.

I instinctively decided to placate him and to pretend that “all was well.” I remember with pain back to the moment where I wondered whether enough time had passed to get off of his finger so he wouldn’t realize that this was not what I had wanted. I felt I needed to hide my humiliation and fear and slip out of the situation as fast as possible and avoid any further dealings with him. After I extricated myself from his finger, I forced a smile and excused myself by saying that I was very tired and needed to go home. I apologetically declined his invitation to stay longer.


In my car, I felt relieved that I had been able to get out of the situation without further damage. I felt sad because I had lost something very dear to me: control over what happens to my vagina. I felt ashamed, and humiliated about having been such a fool to misjudge this man. Most of all I felt confused. Had I done something wrong? Was there something wrong with me?

Being aware of our code of conduct which says “no means no,” I deduced I must have miserably failed by somehow missing my window of opportunity to say ‘no,” and wondered whether I was totally inept to take care of myself. I remember thinking: I’ll have to chalk this up to experience.” I remember how much I resisted this being part of my experience. I drove home, slept and blocked the memory out of my mind.

Making waves:

My memories started to get triggered now and then when I started dating the perpetrator’s best friend. I desperately tried to keep the memories at bay, even going to the extent of defending the perpetrator when other women were put off by his sexual forwardness. Then one afternoon, I started having flashbacks and realized that I had had a horrible experience with this guy who was now a part of my social circle.

My boyfriend now found himself in the dilemma of either diminishing my experience or facing up to the fact that he had been friends with a person who commits sexual transgressions. I questioned whether my boyfriend had enabled his best friend’s predatory tendencies. My boyfriend would at times criticize his friend’s sexual transgressions, but mostly condoned behavior he suspected was painful to women.

The perpetrator is a very handsome and gregarious person, whose male friends admire his ease of conquest with women. His technique to get women to accept a massage from him is to offer what he calls his “Harmonic Body Wave” massage technique, which is a great source of humor among his friends. However, it may not have been so humorous to the women who trustingly agreed to be massaged and found them selves fondled instead, or as in my case, penetrated against their will. The chances are slim that his friends will ever ask him “but, did she indicate ‘yes?’ ”

Malicious intent:

You may wonder how much malicious intent was present in the mind of the perpetrator. Does he consciously use stealth and deception to close the window of opportunity for a woman to say “no”? Is his offer to give a massage a ploy to be sexual with her body without her consent? or is he so delusional that he truly believes that when a woman consents to his hands on her body for a massage, she also consents him to be sexual with her?

On another occasion, I overheard (one of the triggers to my memory) him boasting to my boyfriend that he had stuck his finger in a woman’s vagina on the dance floor. My boyfriend asked him what had preceded this event, and he answered with a rather nasty smirk: “he, as long as they don’t say no …”

Confronting the perpetrator:

Once I fully remembered and was able to handle the shame of being a sexual assault victim, I confronted the perpetrator and let him know what the experience had been like for me. His response was “I don’t really remember.” He said he felt sorry that I experienced my encounter with him as very negative, but added: “But I thought that everybody who goes to that party was promiscuous.”

I’m happy I finally gave the perpetrator much needed feedback. I know that many women prefer to scurry away from the overly sexually aggressive male instead of bluntly asserting that a transgression took place. Two of my girlfriends who met the perpetrator were irritated by his disregard for their personal space, but both of them chose to avoid a public scene and did not provide him with accurate feedback.

Adding insult to injury/ Female fault vs. male irresponsibility:

Fear of being blamed, doubted, treated with insensitivity and even ostracized silences most victims of this kind of crime. I cringed whenever I heard a sentence start with: “Well, I would have…,” or, “you should have…”

Talking about what happened that day meant facing the shame and humiliation and self-blame that I felt. It also meant finding myself on the defensive with people who told me I was responsible for what happened to me that day.

The mythic image of the violent stranger jumping out of the bushes is oddly reassuring and very persistent in spite of contradicting statistics about sexual crimes. The uncomfortable reality is that most perpetrators are known and trusted by the victim and that sexual assault doesn’t necessarily involve the threat of physical violence.

One of the things I noticed is that some kind of uneasiness and defensive thinking kicks in when people are confronted by a sexual assault victim. The conversations focused around determining where I had gone wrong. All my voluntary interactions with the perpetrator before the assault were suspect, had I not asked for it in some way?

For women, I now realize that blaming the victim is a way to feel safer. If only we avoid the risky behavior of the past victim, than we can continue to believe we can prevent this from happening to ourselves. For men, focusing on victim culpability reduces the attention to appropriate male sexual behavior.

I noticed how complacent we are of the seeming inevitability of women always having to be vigilant, because we tacitly accept that women are always preyed upon. Apparently it is easier to tell a woman to restrict her actions and movements in order to reduce risk, than to tell a man to judge his actions by the effect it has on others. Is masculinity at odds with mutuality in sex? If all individuals were held responsible for minimizing risks, then what restrictions could men implement to prevent non-consensual sex?

I was reprimanded for having placed myself in what turned out to be a vulnerable situation and was deftly told what I can and can not do in my “new agey” community in the bay area in the 21st century. I am now very clear on that it is thought to be a woman’s responsibility to limit her freedoms in order to reduce the risk of bumping into an overly sexually aggressive male. It is kind of like being hit by a drunk driver and then being blamed for it.

What is sexual assault?

It became very clear to me that most people define sexual assault as a violation of boundaries, and not as non-consensual sex. I was blamed for not having put up a boundary at some point, somehow. The perpetrator was not blamed for taking liberties with my body without my positive cooperation, or even my awareness.

Negotiating consensual sex is a very complicated dance. I like to call it a dance since most of the communication is often non-verbal. The short phrase “no means no” is an over simplification of the process. However, the short-phrase is useful to help us communicate our morals about the more elaborate negotiation process that precedes consensual sex.

Our current sexual morality puts the responsibility for ensuring consensual sex entirely on the woman, by giving her the power to veto. Our commonly held definition of a sex-crime is that a man violates a woman’s “No.” (Of course men too can be sex-crime victims.) The implication here is that as long as a woman has not put up her verbal defensive block, no transgressions have occurred.

“No means No” facilitates the guy who likes to grope and fondle:

Most of us see mutuality as necessary for sex, we want to be wanted. We want a meeting of the bodies and the minds. The sexual predator is content with merely using a woman’s body. I’ve read that most sexual predators resist the idea of seeing themselves as such. They will look for ways to validate their behavior and will often seek public approval for their private transgressions. Often they will give moral validation to their actions by their intent and not by how it affects others.

The predator who uses stealth and deceit (as was the case with the perpetrator) to circumvent the woman’s “no” walks away from his groping and fondling with his self-image of uprightness intact. The stealth and deceit predator uses our rule, “no means no” to sidestep the complicated dance of negotiating consensual sex. He inserts an imaginary “Yes” as long as a woman hasn’t verbally said “No.”

Just as men learn to degrade women from other men, they also learn to respect women from other men. A man who chooses the short-phrase “no means no” to represent his values about sex provides the green light for the stealth and deceit perpetrators to grope and fondle while leaving their self-image intact. A man who chooses “no means no” fails to protect his sisters and daughters from this kind of sexual predator.

A man who says “yes means yes” instills that consent is absolutely required in sex. That man says that to be sexual with a woman’s body without her consent is sexual assault. That man creates a safer world for women instead of telling women how to restrict their actions and movements in order to reduce the risk of getting hurt by male sexuality. Just as it is important for women to be assertive about their sexual boundaries, it is important that men are held accountable for their sexual actions.

“Oh, but I thought I had her consent!”

How often do we hear a man say: “oh but I thought I had her consent.” Inability to control one’s own “imaginary wishful thinking” is not a valid excuse for injuring others. It is like giving a driver’s license to a blind guy. (I hope I’m safe assuming blind people aren’t supposed to drive). There is no difference between a man who cannot control his sexual urges and a man who cannot control his “insertions of imaginary consent.”

How are you going to respond the next time you hear a guy say “oh, but I thought I had her consent?” You can give him the benefit of the doubt and believe he is truly inept to accurately read women’s non-verbal communication. I hope you let him know he should be aware of this handicap and therefore only use verbal communication when he is negotiating for sex.

Effects of Massage Therapy on the Skin of Lymphedema Patients

The difference between normal massage techniques and manual lymph drainage techniques is that strokes that are used in normal massage therapy are applied with a bit more pressure than are strokes of manual lymph drainage therapy. The basic strokes that are used in normal massage therapy are petrissage, effleurage, tapotement, vibration and friction.

It should be noted that massage stroke effects are not limited to suprafascial tissues like the skin. These strokes also cause reactions in subfascial areas. Subfascial tissues are muscles, tendons and ligaments.
It is possible that local arterial blood flow is increased by massage strokes and there is venous and lymphatic return. Normal massage strokes can loosen subcutaneous adhesions as well.

There are various massage therapy publications that list edema as one of the indications of these techniques. This is a correct statement but it is also in a way misleading if one does not establish or clarify the distinction between edema and lymphedema.

Edema is actually related to suprafascial tissues and can be the result of various problems like inflammation or impaired venous return. Examples of impaired venous return are valvular insufficiency, pregnancy, or prolonged sitting and/or standing.

In edema, the lymphatic system is overloaded but remains intact. This results in water getting accumulated in the tissues. This condition is called dynamic insufficiency.

It is possible that massage therapy benefits some forms of edema but is contraindicated for others. This is why normal massage therapy should not be used in patients with edema without prior consultation with a physician.

Lymphedema on the other hand is always a result of mechanical insufficiency of the lymphatic system. This in turn ends with water and protein accumulating in tissues. When the lymphatic system becomes mechanically insufficient the transport capacity of the system decreases below the required physiological level of water and protein load. The system is not capable then of properly responding to an increase in lymphatic load.

There are also several negative effects of massage therapy on lymphedema. As mentioned before, massage strokes usually lead to an increase in arterial blood flow (also called active hyperemia) in skin areas to which normal massage techniques are applied. This active hyperemia is escorted by an increase in blood capillary pressure. This leads to a subsequent increase in ultrafiltration of water in the blood capillaries area. The result of this process is that more water accumulates in the interstitial spaces. As the lymphatic system is mechanical insufficient the lymphatic system is not able to manage this additional water load and there is an increase in swelling.

Pornography As a Turn-On for Fun-Driven Adult Sex

Adventurous couples can buy a pornographic video and watch it together. That is generally a surefire way to end up in bed. In fact, it is usually when couples are in bed that they watch such films. And if the film is a good one they will enjoy being turned on as they watch it. Many couples find that the provocative content stimulates them to duplicate what is being viewed. They are impulsively driven to touch each other, kid around, mimic the sex acts, and swing from the imagined chandelier as they tickle each other’s fancy.

In many countries in the world, including most industrialized ones, pornography is not banned or hidden from view. For example, at King’s Cross district in Sydney, Australia a section of the city is designated to show and sell pornography Sex oriented videos, DVDs, books, sex toys, lubricants, assumed aphrodisiacs, are sold in kiosks and stores. Strip clubs, restaurants, massage parlors and other clubs are available to meet members of the opposite sex.

In Europe, in many countries, and cities pornography is not hidden and thus available for adults. In all the countries there are restrictions to the sale of pornography to children and prosecution of offenders is open and continuous.

In the US pornography is not banned from sale to adults although there is no tolerance on anyone abusing the Child Pornography laws.

But for the purpose of improving the sex life of adults pornography has a place for some. Do you have to be lonely or hard-up to use porn? The answer is No. Porn can be a substitute for sex for many lonely and sex starved adults, mainly men, and for adults without a partner who like visual stimulation for self-arousal.

Finally, let’s examine whether pornography can fit into the armamentarium of the average adult who wishes for increased stimulation for lovemaking. What can porno offer?
As with any movie there is added stimulation by watching real pictures compared to imaging such scenes. Some porno videos actually tell a reasonable story where there is more than just sexual exploitation. So some selection is necessary. Google is a good resource to discover what are considered the best sex videos made in the past few decades.

Beside adding visual stimulation couples can mimic what they see, learn about new positions, empathize with the excitement of the sex partners, imagine participating in the viewed sex, experience sex beyond their own interests, such as gay, bi, S and M, bondage, oral and anal sex, and the use of fetishes. Some show dancing, foreplay that could be stimulating and perhaps above all can act as a stimulus to open the viewers to become freer and lustier about sex.

If you attempt to try out the benefits of sex videos and it is new to you imagine becoming an adventurer and explorer so you don’t take a negative bias into your viewing. An open mind will allow you to gain what might be there for you. At the very worst it won’t have any effect on you and may even turn you off. If so, just chalk it up as another interesting experience.

To determine if pornography may be a stimulus for your personal sex life approach its use openly. It might be a new vehicle for greater enjoyment of sex for occasional use or even frequent use. Remember adults have no restrictions on what they mutually do and prefer behind closed doors. So enjoy the movies and enjoy the sex and know you have taken another step to gaining a new stimulus for sex and love.

by Marvin H. Berenson, M.D. July 12, 2011

To discover new and effective ways to have a wonderful, romantic love life and to become a great lover, my book “Love and Sex” offers frank and wide-reaching information. You will find a truly in-depth look at what actually happens during sex and how to overcome sexual difficulties. By reading this book you can change your love life.

Creating Winning Adult Online Sex Dating Profiles

Are you weighing your options regarding signing on with adult online sex dating sites? Perhaps you are but are wondering if this experience is really for you. Honestly, when you take time out to wonder if you are taking the right steps, you are doing yourself a great service.

Sites that revolve around adult online sex dating are not exactly “PG rated” in nature. As such, it can be understandable that you might have some apprehensions about signing on with such a site.

But, do not dismiss you intentions out of hand. Rather than do this, it might be better to just keep a few things in mind prior to signing on with such a dating site. Here are some of the things you should keep in mind:

Try to keep your identity a secret if you are worried about anyone finding out you signed on with an amorous site. This is pretty to do. Just do not provide any telling personal info or hints of personal info on your profile. You would also want to block out your facial image on any photos. If you do not worry about hiding your identity, you probably would not have to worry about this. Those that do should take the advice herein. It can make the entire experience less of a worry for you.

And speaking of photos, try to make yourself look upbeat and positive in the photos. Sure, a few alluring photos can be a positive. But, it also does not hurt to add a few upbeat and lighthearted photos to the mix as well. They can definitely enhance your chances of impressing someone perusing your profile.

Do not make your profile too adult oriented. Some may scoff at the notion that the profiles on adult online sex dating sites should not be explicit. Honestly, you can devise your profile in any manner you wish. However, it would be to your benefit that you crafted a profile that was not going to undermine the cause. An explicit profile may scare off those potentially interested in you. And yes, this can even happen on adult online sex dating sites.

Does the site offer audio or video capabilities? Placing a pre-recording message on the profile can be a big help. Again, as long as you are not worried about safeguarding your identity, such means of communicating with browsers can prove to be a huge help.

When in doubt, always ask for advice. Sometimes, the customer service department of the adult online sex dating service may be willing to provide a helpful critique of your profile. This could prove to be a huge help to those that may not be sure if their profile is a quality one.

How to Tell Your Partner You Want to Watch Adult Movies During Sex

If you just started a new relationship or have been married for twenty years, when it comes to talking with your lover about the desire to watch adult movies during sex, is never easy. However, in reality you’ll never know how they will answer unless you ask. Instead of hiding it like it’s a dirty little secret, the open communication can improve your sex life and improve other aspects of your relationship.

It’s normal to be worried about your lover’s reaction, use a third-party indirect question such as: “Bill told me over coffee that Linda and him watch channel X while making love. Have you ever imagined watching adult movies during sex? Apparently they really like it.”

The preframe for this conversation is that watching adult movies is a healthy medium. Bill and Linda improved their sex life through stimulating images and auditory enhancers of groans and dirty talk. By asking her if she likes it before you even suggest you’re into it, will loosen up the pressure on you and give you an answer without facing judgement.

If your lover says, “sure let’s check some out,” keep in mind while the movie is rolling to stare at her often. Tell her she is sexier than all the women. Repeat some of the dirty lines aloud as if she were one of porn stars. Guide your lover into the positions. Always stay in the moment instead of becoming fixated on the screen. Afterwards, ask her what else she wants to try. Watching adult movies with your lover is an excellent gateway to more kinky arts.

How Pornography Addiction Affects The Sex Lives of Couples

If one half of a couple is addicted to pornography in a monogamous relationship, it is a certainty that over time, the amount of sex that couple will have will reduce significantly (and eventually disappear altogether) and that any sex they do have will gradually become less loving and more perverse or aggressive as time goes on.

Many partners of porn addicts explain how at the start of their relationships their sex lives were breath-taking and about emotional and sexual intimacy but that over time – as their partner’s porn use increased – sex became less tender, more aggressive and far less frequent.

As this happens, many partners gradually begin to feel nothing more than objectified tools for the instant gratification of their porn addict – and totally interchangeable with porn – and cry inwardly at this. Some feel like punching their addict in the face when they are reduced to body parts to be mauled and assaulted during sex. They know their partner’s minds are with the porn images and porn performers they have seen and that they are – in effect – just pseudo sex dolls. They cease to feel cherished as a result. For many, kissing vanishes too – both from sex and their relationship as a whole.

Many loved ones feel that their partners would rather be having sex with “perfect” porn performers and not with their imperfect selves and this makes them feel ugly and undesirable which slowly but surely chips away at their self esteem more and more every day. This is made all the worse when porn addicts ask their partners to re-enact porn scenes they have seen or to act like porn performers during sex. Knowing their partners can only keep an erection if they do, they comply but then feel cheapened afterwards. Sex soon becomes utterly devoid of any real intimacy as a result. Sometimes, partners are not even asked for sex but are just taken roughly from behind. Others are groped whilst they sleep. This is probably because their addict has been watching “unconscious porn”.

As their partner’s addiction escalates, loved ones are often asked to do increasingly disturbing sexual things such as: remove all body hair so they look like the barely legal/ teenage bodies their partners are viewing; engage in S&M and bondage; have pain inflicted on them; have other people involved in their sex (which include “lesbians”, “shemales” and prostitutes); dress like porn performers or strippers; allow themselves to be slapped or strangled and are asked to have rough anal sex – amongst many other things and usually dependent upon what the porn addict has been viewing.

Their porn addicts soon begin to scare them. At first loved ones believe their partners behavior is simply sexual experimentation but soon realise something seriously untoward is happening yet loved ones can still be plagued with the feeling that it is they who are over-reacting and their partner usually agrees – telling them it is they who are “prudes”. Many loved ones do not want to be giving their partners what they often term “the nastier stuff” because it feels like a sort of rape to them but often do not have the strength to say no because they fear their addict will do porn all the more – and this is one of their worst fears as the porn is “competition”. One woman in my research wrote “Porn to me is like him having a lot of different mistresses – all of which my husband prefers to me. My husband has something that I can’t compete with – a never-ending stream of women who will do whatever he wants and ask for nothing in return.”

Often, porn addicts will go to porn for their arousal prior to sex leaving their partners naked in bed waiting for them. This hurts partners deeply. Sex then usually lasts only a few minutes and then the person leaves them immediately after climax (that is if climax is still possible due to the erectile dysfunction issues addicts have due to escalating porn use which is often the case).

The partners of porn addicts become obsessed over time with trying to get closer again to their loved ones as well as doing all they can to control or stop their partners porn use and will often go to great lengths to try and accomplish these things. In the process they often end up abandoning all their inhibitions and do things they do not want to be doing. But even “spicing things up” (like being filmed, photographed, going to adult or swingers clubs with their partners or adding more people to the sexual mix) does not keep their partners attention for long. More is then expected sexually of the partner. And whether the loved one gives the addict sex or not, the porn use never stops regardless how many times a day sex is given. Often, partners find their partners doing porn soon after having sex with them.

Often loved ones will start off being “the cool wife/ partner” by watching soft-core porn with the person, getting them subscriptions to porn magazines or porn channels as well as doing the whole “strip club” thing with them but none of these things bring the couple closer together. Quite the opposite in fact. It pushes them further apart because the loved one is enabling the addicts addiction and sex eventually becomes non-existent. Instead the addict just ends up just wanting to do porn on their own as their addiction progresses and the loved one is always thrown on the sexual scrap-heap feeling like just a room-mate to the person. If sex happens at all, it is usually the partner who initiates it and even then, there’s no foreplay or warmth and the addict has trouble orgasming or simply just staying erect/ aroused. Often addicts will fake orgasm then masturbate to porn whilst their loved one is asleep next to them. Addicts cunningly cover their backs by asking for sex only when their partner is too drained to be able to do it. Begging for sex starts to become humiliating for loved ones.

And so it goes on and on… Sometimes loved ones sleep on the couch to try and get the person to see sense but their addict simply does porn more now they don’t have to think of their partner being in the bedroom. Or the porn addict says they have erectile dysfunction due to being on an anti-depressant only to then be caught by their partner downloading porn and masturbating. Porn addicts end up complaining to their partners about being hounded for sex which leaves the self esteem of the loved one in shreds. This is the same for gay and straight relationships and where the porn addict is male or female.

And yet here is the irony… When the partners of porn addicts are being rejected left, right and centre sex wise their porn addicted partners are likely acting out with 3D games that allow players to “have sex with” performers where they can “give performers virtual orgasms”. If they are not doing that they also have the choice to buy and “have sex with” performer “body parts” (vagina and anus) made in the performers exact measurements. The real life partner is dying inside waiting for their loved one to touch them meanwhile “sex” is going on with a blow up body part and one day soon, a virtual reality avatar…

Watching Porn Doesn’t Have To Be an Event for Just One

Let’s face it; men love their porn. It is the visual stimulation that turns them on and gets them in the mood. This doesn’t have to be an event that you do by yourself though. You can certainly include your partner so that you can spice up your sex life and perhaps take it to a new level. Porn movies do not have to be secretive, which if found by your partner can lead to arguments and mistrust. You should just bring it up to your partner to see if she may be interested in watching it with you. It will no longer be a “dirty secret” and you can both enjoy your fantasy life together.

When you first bring up the topic of watching porn together you should not just jump right into it. Make sure it is something that you can do together by buying a porn movie that is rather tame to start with. You do not want to start off with something hard core that will scare her off. Ask her what her fantasy might be and then try to find a movie that incorporates it, so that she is more interested in it.

You may also want to consider getting something special for that night. You may want to try a cream that turns women on more. This will not only turn her on, but will bring her to arousal quickly and with more intensity. There even is a product that will really enhance her sex drive. It is a daily supplement that makes a woman feel sexy and beautiful. With these products you are sure to have a better time together than ever before.

With adult entertainment such as porn movies, you can start to have a wonderful and adventurous sex life. Along with personal products that can really enhance your sex drive; you can explore a whole new way to make love that will bring the intimacy back into your relationship. You may become more daring and find that you really enjoy adding this particular aspect to your sex life. Many women love to watch porn but are afraid to try it for fear that their partner may look differently at them. Most likely this isn’t the case for men, but women may be afraid to bring up the topic themselves. If you bring it up, you may be pleasantly surprised at how eager she is to explore new parts of your relationship.

There are many other products that can help you feel good as well. There is one product in particular that will help you stay erect longer and give you a better orgasm and will also work to enhance the overall experience. Whether you want to try certain products or just experience the movie by itself, you will have a new outlook on your sex life, and your partner will be thrilled with how involved you are in making sure that together your sex life can reach completely new heights.

The Basic Science of Pornography Addiction

There are 5 main brain chemicals associated with pornography addiction and each has their own function within pornography addiction. They are Dopamine, Adrenaline, Serotonin, Prolactin and Oxytocin.


Dopamine is the main chemical pushing porn addiction; is a “neurotransmitter” (which simply means “a chemical in the body that carries a signal or impulse from one nerve cell to another”) and plays a huge role in all our lives whether we are addicts or not. Dopamine is, amongst many other things (such as being involved in everything from regulating movement to the control of attention) the chemical that gives us “expectation buzzes”. This buzz could be for the cake we fancy on the sweet trolley in a restaurant when we are still eating our main meal; the chase in sexual encounters; what can drive people to buy lottery tickets; the thrill we feel when we know we are going on our holidays soon or, in addiction, is (in part) the desire for the next fix of the wet, dry or behavioral drug we are addicted to. It is also the brain chemical behind the thrill when gossiping; the rush we feel when we hear a celebrity scandal or when we want to buy a tabloid to read what is on the front cover. Bottom line, dopamine is all about expectation and wanting (as opposed to necessarily liking) which is what can make it an incredibly destructive chemical when it comes to addiction. Dopamine is not about levels of pleasure per se. It’s about expectation and what, for instance, drives lust.

Dopamine loves novelty anything new and interesting… The newest car, game, sexual conquest, movie… A person could have a spike in dopamine just thinking of watching the next movie whilst still watching the current movie. Dopamine is behind the drive for more and more scenes when in a pornography binge and why a pornography addict will keep on clicking to see more and more images or videos as they get a surge of dopamine with anything novel and new. In response, the Pornography Industry has to keep upping the ante with its content to keep addict’s interest and money and why studios like Evil Angel – who specialize in the more extreme and taboo end of the market – are so profitable. Dopamine is also the chemical responsible for the motivating feeling behind the thought that you will be paid handsomely at the end of a rough pornography scene if you are a pornography performer…

We are all hooked on dopamine to a certain degree. Dopamine can give life some of its loveliest and memorable moments (low dopamine levels are also associated with depression)… but can also create hell for us when we become addicted to a wet, dry or behavioral drug.

Addicts have damaged the reward circuitry in their brains and will feel less of a hit with their drug fixes over time as it now becomes harder and harder to stimulate their reward systems and will therefore need more and more of the drug to get the same effect. Feeling less of a hit results in craving more of what will give the addict the same amount of “pleasure” as they had before it decreased… (remember dopamine is all about expectation and wanting – as opposed to necessarily liking – most addicts despise the lives they live when in active addiction yet still go back time and time again for more).

In addiction, new neural pathways are created in the addict’s brain which become, over time, about taking the path of least resistance. The rational side of the brain that understands about consequences subsequently becomes weaker over time too as the neural pathways that once ran the show are weakened as the addiction escalates and a tug of war will end up ensuing between the higher self and lower self. Levels of dopamine always decline over the course of an addict’s addiction career and the ante is always upped to get more as a result.

When you think that the definition of pornography is “Material whose primary purpose is to create sexual arousal” then it is easy to understand how the role of dopamine fits into that as dopamine is also released during genital orgasm as well as in the prelude to the orgasm. The more pornography a person does the more dopamine gets released which in turn reinforces the behavior and means the person not only desires it at some point in the future but requires it. The more porn a person does, the more they masturbate to orgasm and the more dopamine is released which further deepens the addictive cycle. It’s a feedback loop which becomes more and more difficult to escape from. The person then needs more extreme material to get sexually aroused which is when reality becomes the turn off and “boring”.


With dopamine in the driving seat of porn addiction, the need for more and more of it will take a person through some traumatising viewing material. With each new brutal or shocking image, the body releases the fight or flight hormone adrenaline to help the person cope with the trauma of what they have just witnessed on the screen.

You’ve heard of the term “adrenaline junkie”? Well that term applies just as much in porn addiction as it does for dangerous outdoor pursuits. Porn addicts – over time – also become addicted to adrenaline and will have to seek out ever more perverse, grotesque, violent, disturbing and illegal pornography to keep getting the same effect – just as adventurers have to do ever more dangerous acts to get their hits of adrenaline.

During this process the profoundly shocking pornography they are now forced to view by their addiction which many addicts would never have believed that they would have ever viewed once porn that assaults their souls can seem exciting pre-ejaculation/ orgasm. Once they have orgasmed though, addicts can now see what is on their screens and are often horrified and retraumatised by it.

And the whole sorry cycle just keeps getting worse and worse to the point that the only taboo pornography left to look in the end – which will give the adrenaline trauma hit addicts need – will be child pornography. When you have reward circuitry that is numb – which is what all active addicts have – the person will do anything to jack up the chemicals they need to feel less numb.

Whenever adrenaline is released in the body, whatever a person or animal is doing or looking at during those moments are burnt into the psyche. This is the reason why porn addicts can be haunted by porn images they have seen long after they stop viewing pornography. This is also the reason, on the positive side, why some beautiful sexual (or other) memories are remembered too. If the heart was beating faster at that time due to the release of adrenaline in the body, those memories too, will be burnt into the psyche.


Oxytocin is the chemical that is released when a Mother and her new born baby are bonding after birth. Psychology Professor Ruth Feldman from Bar-Ilan University in Israel is at the forefront of oxytocin research. She has spent years studying oxytocin’s role in the mother-child bond as well as the role oxytocin plays in romantic bonds. Prof Feldman says “The increase in oxytocin during the period of falling in love was the highest that we ever found.” Prof Feldman concluded that “Romantic relationships can have a profound effect on adult’s health and well being whereas the inability to maintain intimate bonds has been associated with physical and emotional distress. Studies in monogamous mammals underscore the central role of oxytocin in pair bonding and human imaging studies implicate oxytocin in early romantic love… Oxytocin is known to promote trust, bonding and attachment between adults and between parents and their offspring… ”

Oxytocin is also known as the “cuddle hormone” or the “bonding chemical”. When two people are healthily bonding, masses of oxytocin is released and this is what will lay the foundations of a lifetime bond between the two people whether that person is a partner or a friend. It is necessary to keep doing the things which laid those foundations though for the bonds to endure as less oxytocin is released when there are problems in our relationships and it stops altogether when relationships end and this is part of the reason we feel so much agony within ourselves at the endings of those close relationships.

The trouble with pornography is that viewers become bonded – through oxytocin – with porn performers; particular photos or scenes and especially bonded with their porn stash as oxytocin is released during porn viewing. This is the reason porn addicts struggle to get rid of their stash once they make the decision to quit porn. Because of the oxytocin bond, it can feel like a death.

People can become bonded to anything that makes them feel good – from DJs on the radio to the local shop-keeper who makes them feel good by smiling at them. Where good feelings and pleasure are involved, bonding is always possible. And nowhere is that more ironically relevant than in pornography use.


Serotonin is often called “natural Prozac” and is released after sexual climax and what makes a person feel satisfied. This is the chemical responsible for men falling asleep after ejaculating and what many porn addicts use (without them realising that this is what they are doing) to help them fall asleep after a porn bender as it relaxes them. The hormone releases a person from stress for a while and why a calmness is felt after genital orgasm. Serotonin is also an inhibitor to dopamine which basically means it stops its release.


Prolactin is also an inhibitor to dopamine stopping its production in the body – and is released into the body post genital orgasm and what brings an end to traditional sexual intercourse. Prolactin is the chemical responsible for people who have just had sex desperately wanting to get away from each other.

If couples do not genitally orgasm, prolactin is not released.

Prolactin is also the chemical responsible for what is often called “post coital blues” which is the depression that comes for a few days post genital orgasm in both males and females. When in the “honeymoon mating frenzy” period of a relationship, we remain strongly bonded by high oxytocin levels and quickly overcome our “hormonal blues” (prolactin releases) by having more sex (therefore dopamine rushes).

Often in porn addiction – to counter that depression – porn addicts will begin another binging cycle to get the dopamine flowing in their bodies again and the whole cycle begins again. Depression at this point will come to be seen as a normal state and often not even recognised as even being depression especially if the addict starts taking anti-depressants.

The same is the case with couples in the early stages of their relationships. They will have frequent sex because of the novelty involved with the new relationship (the dopamine factor). If each sex session then has a genital orgasm, the whole dopamine-prolactin cycle will be going on there too and why as the relationship settles in, many people often start losing interest in sex with their partner as the novelty has worn off and begin to drift apart and/ or the two people start to look for someone else someone novel – so dopamine can start flowing in their bodies again because it is at this point that the lows of prolactin are now felt. That is prolactin in action and usually has nothing to do with how compatible the two people are with each other or their core relationship. This behavior is the same in humans, primates, mammals and reptiles because as Kruger et al explain, it originates in the primitive part of our brain.

I wonder just how many relationships dopamine and prolactin has broken up…

Prolactin is another reason men fall asleep after ejaculating as the higher the prolactin level, the sleepier a person gets.